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joke gallery
1.A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband g...ave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
2.There 3 three prostitutes living 2geda, a mother, daughter and grandmother.1 night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter."I only got 500naira for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother,"In my day we gave a blow job for 50naira!" ..."Good God!" said the Grandmother."In my day we were just glad to get somethin warm in our stomachs!"
3.Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A. Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
4.Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...
5.One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
6.Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away.
7.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
8.
What do a cop and a dog have in common?
They both look at you as if they understand what you're saying.
9.A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
10.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby. While there, a new doctor told them he’d invented a machine which could transfer the mother’s labor pains to the father. The husband thought this was a terrific idea. (Talk about dumb!)
The doctor set the machine at ten percent, explaining that even ten percent was too much for most men. But the husband felt just fine. So, the doctor turned it up to twenty per cent. Still nothing. Amazed and with some trepidation, the doctor turned the machine up a notch, to fifty percent. But the husband continued to feel just fine. Wanting to help his wife, however, who was writhing in pain, he told the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
In the end, the wife delivered a healthy baby, and the husband suffered no pain at all.
When they arrived home the next day, they found the mailman dead on the front porch.
11.
A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
12.
A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on the leash and says…
“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says….
“If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep…..not a cow.”
The guy replies, “…If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
13.An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.
They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician."
The jogger, shocked, responds, "Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely
14.
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight.
15.What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage
16.A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra tim
17.A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
18.Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you
19.During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin. "I was talking about the flavor!"
20.What did the blonde say when she found she is pregnant?
"Is it mine?
21.There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center.
The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow.
The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week.
The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?"
The blonde says, "Well then I'll go at night."
22.A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
23.A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve piece
24.- What is the best organized thing in our world?
- Crime.
25.Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted
26.2 girls meet:
- me & my husband are no longer together...
- why?
- well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?
- no, of course I couldn't!
- well he couldn't either!
27.Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son
28.A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
29."Daddy. Can I take Fuzzy for a walk?" An-An asked her father.
"No." he answered.
"Why not?" she continued.
"Fuzzy’s in heat. Her odor will attract the other dogs. Besides, you are too small too scare off the bigger dogs." he explained.
"Can you come with us or do something?"
"I’m busy fixing your mother’s car.... Mm, if I rub some gas on Fuzzy’s behind, that may do the trick."
An-An went off and returned with two dogs.
"You know what happened?" She said to her father.
"No." he responded.
"Fuzzy stopped walking in the middle of the park and I couldn’t get her to move"
"What happened?"
"She ran out of gas. This dog pushed her home."
30.Mrs. Jones and her son were vacationing in Montreal. The boy got sick and went to a hospital. In the corridor, they saw a young man in surgical scrubs kept tying and untying his shoe laces.
"Our senior surgeon said your son has appendicitis." a nurse told the mother.
"Are they going to operate?" asked the woman.
"Yes. Dr. Li is assigned to operate on your son." said the nurse pointing to the man in surgical scrubs.
"Are you Dr. Li?" asked the woman.
"Yes." answered the young man.
"You look so young. Are you a practicing surgeon?"
"Of course. Can’t you see I’ve been making surgical knots?"
31.Q:Why did the woman cross the road?
A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?
32.
A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"
33.Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stole my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key," Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards pen*s is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"
34.A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
35.Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine."
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
36.Yo momma is so poor that when I saw her last week walking down the street kicking a can, so I asked, "What are you doing?" and she said, "Movin."
37.A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
38.Man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a dildo up her.
"What are you doing," he shouts.
"Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute," she explains.
The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a dildo up his arse, drinking a can of beer, "What are you doing," she shouts.
He replays, "Having a beer with your boyfriend."
39.In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
40.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're gonna die."
41. SECTION 1
1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb... and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ‘em. -Sue Grafton
8. I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. -Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Glori Steinhem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
42.The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
43.
An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.
Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."
The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."
"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."
Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
44.Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest.
1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room!
2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison crush it into powder and snort it.
3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, "Where are you going? asked the other 2."
"Home to shag the cat," he replied!!
45.Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6'."
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said."
46.Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:
First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer.
Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out.
Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman.
With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold.
Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.
Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled:
"Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"
47.A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!!!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?
48.Patient comes to the doctor, doctor says:
- So, what concerns you?
- Dr, everyone ignores me!
- Next!
49.One day at the end of class Little Johnny’s teacher asks the students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don’t count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don’t screw with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking."
50.A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.
From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king. He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here." He begins to have sex with her the whole night.
She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"
51.Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!
What were you thinking?
52.A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework.
Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'?"
Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says, "That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question."
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back.
Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!!!
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially we are sitting on 2 million quid, realistically we are living with a pair of slags....!"
53.An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says,"...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says, "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid!"
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."
54.One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you’re a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself."
55.A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
56.A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor."This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
57.A 7 year old kid walking home from the park sees some teens at the basketball course, he hears one say, "aww you f**kin id*ot!".
When he gets home he asks his mom, "Mom, what does f**kin mean?"
Mom says, "Well honey, f**king means roasting".
So the kid goes about his business until dinner time. The doorbell rings, and since mom and dad are too busy with the turkey he answers the door.
"Grandma!! Grandpa!!" says the kid.
Grandma asks, "Oh how are you deary, where's mommy and daddy?"
The little boy responds, "Mom and dad are in the kitchen f**kin the turkey!!!"
2.There 3 three prostitutes living 2geda, a mother, daughter and grandmother.1 night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter."I only got 500naira for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother,"In my day we gave a blow job for 50naira!" ..."Good God!" said the Grandmother."In my day we were just glad to get somethin warm in our stomachs!"
3.Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A. Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
4.Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...
5.One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
6.Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away.
7.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
8.
What do a cop and a dog have in common?
They both look at you as if they understand what you're saying.
9.A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
10.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby. While there, a new doctor told them he’d invented a machine which could transfer the mother’s labor pains to the father. The husband thought this was a terrific idea. (Talk about dumb!)
The doctor set the machine at ten percent, explaining that even ten percent was too much for most men. But the husband felt just fine. So, the doctor turned it up to twenty per cent. Still nothing. Amazed and with some trepidation, the doctor turned the machine up a notch, to fifty percent. But the husband continued to feel just fine. Wanting to help his wife, however, who was writhing in pain, he told the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
In the end, the wife delivered a healthy baby, and the husband suffered no pain at all.
When they arrived home the next day, they found the mailman dead on the front porch.
11.
A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
12.
A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on the leash and says…
“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says….
“If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep…..not a cow.”
The guy replies, “…If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
13.An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.
They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician."
The jogger, shocked, responds, "Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely
14.
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight.
15.What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage
16.A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra tim
17.A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
18.Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you
19.During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin. "I was talking about the flavor!"
20.What did the blonde say when she found she is pregnant?
"Is it mine?
21.There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center.
The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow.
The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week.
The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?"
The blonde says, "Well then I'll go at night."
22.A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
23.A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve piece
24.- What is the best organized thing in our world?
- Crime.
25.Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted
26.2 girls meet:
- me & my husband are no longer together...
- why?
- well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?
- no, of course I couldn't!
- well he couldn't either!
27.Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son
28.A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
29."Daddy. Can I take Fuzzy for a walk?" An-An asked her father.
"No." he answered.
"Why not?" she continued.
"Fuzzy’s in heat. Her odor will attract the other dogs. Besides, you are too small too scare off the bigger dogs." he explained.
"Can you come with us or do something?"
"I’m busy fixing your mother’s car.... Mm, if I rub some gas on Fuzzy’s behind, that may do the trick."
An-An went off and returned with two dogs.
"You know what happened?" She said to her father.
"No." he responded.
"Fuzzy stopped walking in the middle of the park and I couldn’t get her to move"
"What happened?"
"She ran out of gas. This dog pushed her home."
30.Mrs. Jones and her son were vacationing in Montreal. The boy got sick and went to a hospital. In the corridor, they saw a young man in surgical scrubs kept tying and untying his shoe laces.
"Our senior surgeon said your son has appendicitis." a nurse told the mother.
"Are they going to operate?" asked the woman.
"Yes. Dr. Li is assigned to operate on your son." said the nurse pointing to the man in surgical scrubs.
"Are you Dr. Li?" asked the woman.
"Yes." answered the young man.
"You look so young. Are you a practicing surgeon?"
"Of course. Can’t you see I’ve been making surgical knots?"
31.Q:Why did the woman cross the road?
A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?
32.
A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"
33.Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stole my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key," Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards pen*s is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"
34.A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
35.Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine."
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
36.Yo momma is so poor that when I saw her last week walking down the street kicking a can, so I asked, "What are you doing?" and she said, "Movin."
37.A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
38.Man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a dildo up her.
"What are you doing," he shouts.
"Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute," she explains.
The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a dildo up his arse, drinking a can of beer, "What are you doing," she shouts.
He replays, "Having a beer with your boyfriend."
39.In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
40.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're gonna die."
41. SECTION 1
1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb... and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ‘em. -Sue Grafton
8. I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. -Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Glori Steinhem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
42.The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
43.
An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.
Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."
The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."
"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."
Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
44.Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest.
1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room!
2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison crush it into powder and snort it.
3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, "Where are you going? asked the other 2."
"Home to shag the cat," he replied!!
45.Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6'."
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said."
46.Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:
First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer.
Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out.
Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman.
With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold.
Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.
Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled:
"Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"
47.A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!!!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?
48.Patient comes to the doctor, doctor says:
- So, what concerns you?
- Dr, everyone ignores me!
- Next!
49.One day at the end of class Little Johnny’s teacher asks the students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don’t count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don’t screw with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking."
50.A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.
From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king. He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here." He begins to have sex with her the whole night.
She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"
51.Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!
What were you thinking?
52.A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework.
Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'?"
Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says, "That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question."
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back.
Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!!!
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially we are sitting on 2 million quid, realistically we are living with a pair of slags....!"
53.An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says,"...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says, "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid!"
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."
54.One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you’re a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself."
55.A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
56.A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor."This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
57.A 7 year old kid walking home from the park sees some teens at the basketball course, he hears one say, "aww you f**kin id*ot!".
When he gets home he asks his mom, "Mom, what does f**kin mean?"
Mom says, "Well honey, f**king means roasting".
So the kid goes about his business until dinner time. The doorbell rings, and since mom and dad are too busy with the turkey he answers the door.
"Grandma!! Grandpa!!" says the kid.
Grandma asks, "Oh how are you deary, where's mommy and daddy?"
The little boy responds, "Mom and dad are in the kitchen f**kin the turkey!!!"
